I should write this, after all, I spent a lot of money for my vacation, I should get something out. The resolution of my contemplation.
- I should read more books. Especially about parenting. Apparently you cannot do trial and error in raising kid.
- I should write more. Write about anything.
- I should re-structure my finance. Properly setup trust fund for my kid.
- Now I forgot, what else.
- Get back in shape, find recreational sport activity for me and my family.
should get back to update this list, once I remember :)
Once when I was younger than I am now, I know what my dream was. Technically maybe not a dream, but something that I supposed to do. It has something to do with candle. It was an advice from Kahlil Gibran, taken from his story about a fly that got upset because the fire from the candle burnt his wing. The candle said, I am the one who burnt to death, just to light up the night, and you hate me because I burnt your wing. Look at me, said the candle.
I wrote that passage in my cupboard door in my dorm room in high school. Knowing that sacrifice for others is the highest of all. Naively understood what that means, and applied to my life. It was nothing wrong with it. Even more, it more applicable now in my 30 years of life.
What went wrong was the way I lived my life. The way I didn’t understand how to balance between sacrifice and my own ego. Funnily, what went wrong was I actually didn’t know what my ego was. What was I supposed to be.
Funny, because I thought I know what I dreamt of. Because, now I don’t even walking on that path. I forgot that dream was not given to you.
Its too far now.
No one can match your patient and passion. How the burden of caring and endless loving for a child, its just you redefine the definition of motherly love. You are what your daughter will look upon to, a caring mother, a loving mother.
Not even in my dream i can imagine that i can carry your burden that far, yet you’ve come even farther. Not even once I think i can have years of sleepless night, yet you challenged that until the maximum of time.
I pray for your health, I pray for your love. I pray for Marin that she’ll always look up to you. I am nothing without you, yet you bring me this far from inexistence to a something.
You gave me the greatest gift of my life, yet i can only take you for a shitty vacation. Happy birthday Genia, my other half. Now the storm looks nothing when you’re beside me.
I want to remind you that financial success is not the only goal or the only measure of success. It’s easy to get caught up in the heady buzz of making money. You should regard money as fuel for what you really want to do, not as a goal in and of itself. Money is like gas in the car — you need to pay attention or you’ll end up on the side of the road — but a well-lived life is not a tour of gas stations!
What to do when you really hate yourself? Living the life that you don’t like. Suicide? Nah, this life is not yours, so you cannot do that. Some advice might say, just pretend that you’re an actor and doing a terrible job at being in the role that you’ve been given. Some advice just said, just change. What I’ve done is, I dwelled in my problem. Living a life as it is. It’s not actually life. It’s that damn job.
I would just hope by the end of the tunnel, I’ll see light. And that light lead me to some turn to a things that I want.
When is it? I don’t know. Right now, I’m just running in the tunnel, blindly. Hoping I’ll meet the end of it.
A sad post. Shouldn’t have to write this.
Last week, I had an epiphany that I would sit down and concentrated to write down my research statement. The day before the weekend, I’ve started to gather and read all the material for the writing. Tried to sketch what I want to write. And it end up, I spent more time fixing and playing with LaTex template :)
This weekend, same thing happened, this time I was thinking I’ll finished up the apps to help reporting of the job in the office. I red about all the stuff in Python. I try to prepare all the necessary ingredient, before do the code. Things like choosing between Python 2 or Python 3 (turned out it’s not easy). Which GUI toolkit should I use, PyQt, PySide, or TkInter, or even web based (Django or Flask). And here I am Saturday nite. Doing nothing but lurking on Reddit :)
Is it my brain damage or it’s just I don’t have the persistent to finish the job :)
Ever wonder if one day your name will be known as international corporation name, such as
- Phillip Morris
- Dunder Mifflin
I do have a dream to build my own company, but I thought FahdiMaula will not be such as good company name? Or it is? :)