What to do when you really hate yourself? Living the life that you don’t like. Suicide? Nah, this life is not yours, so you cannot do that. Some advice might say, just pretend that you’re an actor and doing a terrible job at being in the role that you’ve been given. Some advice just said, just change. What I’ve done is, I dwelled in my problem. Living a life as it is. It’s not actually life. It’s that damn job.
I would just hope by the end of the tunnel, I’ll see light. And that light lead me to some turn to a things that I want.
When is it? I don’t know. Right now, I’m just running in the tunnel, blindly. Hoping I’ll meet the end of it.
A sad post. Shouldn’t have to write this.
Last week, I had an epiphany that I would sit down and concentrated to write down my research statement. The day before the weekend, I’ve started to gather and read all the material for the writing. Tried to sketch what I want to write. And it end up, I spent more time fixing and playing with LaTex template :)
This weekend, same thing happened, this time I was thinking I’ll finished up the apps to help reporting of the job in the office. I red about all the stuff in Python. I try to prepare all the necessary ingredient, before do the code. Things like choosing between Python 2 or Python 3 (turned out it’s not easy). Which GUI toolkit should I use, PyQt, PySide, or TkInter, or even web based (Django or Flask). And here I am Saturday nite. Doing nothing but lurking on Reddit :)
Is it my brain damage or it’s just I don’t have the persistent to finish the job :)
Ever wonder if one day your name will be known as international corporation name, such as
- Phillip Morris
- Dunder Mifflin
I do have a dream to build my own company, but I thought FahdiMaula will not be such as good company name? Or it is? :)
It’s like you running around the pitch, trying to cover all position, throwing every tackle to win the ball. But when you pass the ball, it’s like your team mate doesn’t even want to try to run and get it.
To me, there are two magical thing about nature that can change human life. One is the ocean, which me and my highschool friend believe it has magical power to change human life. If you have a a girlfriend or boyfriend and you spend your sunset in front of ocean, there may be a chance that you two get break up. Also its the other way around, you bring your crush to talk and walk by the ocean, there will be a chance that you two will hit it off. At least that what us, when we were highschool believe about it.
Do we have any proof? We do have. But you know, experience may vary from one to another :)
The second thing that nature have to bring magic into human life, is rain. You sit in your balcony watching over the rain overlooking the sunset. Even though you are in a city with no nature at all. It will bring magical feeling to yourself.
Rain is fresh. It falls down, washes the dirt on the street. It bring the natural smell from the grass. It makes you feel reborn.
Also it makes you think that your life is shite, unless you wash yourself. Clean. And reborn.
I don’t even know why I kept visiting LinkedIn.com or even Earthworks-Jobs.com like millions time a day. Every time I logged on to internet, I always visit those two sites. And I’ve been doing this for the past 4-5 years. Yeah, I’ve been actively looking for a new job for the past years. But nothing fruitful happened from what I’ve been doing.
LinkedIn is shite place. Full of fancy looking headhunter who always ask for your CV. And after you gave them, nothing happened. Two things, one your CV is full of shit, second, they just freaking headhunter looking to find a quota to achieve their objective. Years after years, I’ve tried to be positive about LinkedIn and all the headhunter wandering around in the site. But now, I told myself. It’s enough. I’m not going to believe at them again.
Earthworks-Jobs, normally I go directly to look at the Geoscience Research opportunities, looking for PhD. This is a totally different story. I am shit at academic, why would I even want to apply for PhD. Easy answers. My job sucks, my work life sucks, and I just want to get out and do something that I like. But then I realise going for PhD, is not the answers. Especially if those are thing that motivate me to go for PhD.
At the end of day, I just grunting about everything in this blog. Doing nothing.
How big is the risk that you willing to take? The correct answer is, “It’s depend”. As a matter of fact, that’s the almost the correct answer for every other similar questions.
But, as you grow older, that “depend” become more complicated. Because now that depend will relate to others. Others as in another human being. Might be your dependent. Or your significant other. Your parents, or in general your family.
At the of the day, you will always have the choice, take the risk and just fly, or take the risk and stay. Burnt yourself like a candle, burnt to death to shine other. Either you fly or you stay, both will have similar consequences.
It’s life. That’s why we live it.